God. Health. Life.

It’s a good thing I’m guarding my heart, or else it woulda hurt more.

Before

In middle school and my first two years of high school, I use to care about my reputation, wanting to be one of those cool sw@gg3d out Asians. I remember at my time, being a shoehead was the thing. Being “cl3@n” and “fr3sh” was what I was looking to for.

People from all parts of my life always told me to do different things:

“You should grow out your hair it looks better” or “You should cut your hair, you look better with a fresh cut”

“You should to pluck your eyebrows cause your eyebrows are really bushy and its ugly” or “Why are you plucking your eyebrows, that so feminine of you”

“You should shave cause your facial hair is ugly” or “Grow out your facial hair, it looks better on you” 

“You should lose weight because you look like a beast”

Everyone seemed like they were trying to fix me. When people would say such things, it made me feel like I was never good enough. If I were to try and be myself, it seemed like it would be social suicide. I was always trying to reach different standards of what people thought I should be like.

Mold

I’m not sure when it happened. Maybe when I moved to Deer Valley High School? Maybe my senior year? Or maybe even after I graduated high school. But, I just became so tired of people trying to change me, so I can fit their status quo. I didn’t really know who I was. I was just so caught up with what people thought of me. 

Then I remember starting to pray a new prayer: “God. Mold me into the person YOU want me to be, make me into the person that YOU have called me to be”

That prayer became an everyday prayer. And God was certainly on the move. My focus became more on God, rather than myself. The more I allowed God to mold me, the more he really did mold me!

 I remember throwing a lot of things that I never really wanted, changing my entire wardrobe from things that I were using to “try to look cool” and replaced them with things that made me comfortable:

I bought my first pair of Asics. Why? Because I felt comfortable in them. I actually remember buying shoes that would hurt my feet. But thought they looked good enough for the status quo.

I even bought a whole bunch of sweats to use for an entire semester. Why? Because I wanted to be comfortable and pair of Levi’s are expensive. And they hurt my butt sometimes!

I regrew my eyebrows and my facial hair. Why? Because I felt comfortable. I cut my hair in the way I want to do it.

The more I stopped worrying about my image and became more comfortable in myself and put more focus on my relationship with God, the more God was able to mold me. I may have looked like a total wreck on the outside, but I know forsure that something beautiful was on the inside.

I remember my friends and family looking at me stank. Asking me to pluck my eyebrows, shave my beard, buy better shoes, wear some pants! But all I remember in my mind is thinking in my mind “I don’t really care what you think anymore. God’s opinion is all that really matters. And if you’re not going to accept me for who God wants me to be, then I guess we’re not friends”

Now

I’m glad to report that the people who didn’t accept me aren’t my friends anymore, and the people that did accept me are still my friends. And I’m okay with that. I don’t care what my parents think of me, what my friends think of me, what other churches think of me. I will never be able to please all of them at the same time. God’s opinion is the only one that really matters to me anymore. He’s the one that molds me. Disciplines me. And teaches me. No one else. I mean, he may use other people to teach me, but that’s still God’s hand at work.

Moral

You can’t control one’s reputation. I mean you can, but that would be so superficial. Fake. False. I’d rather have a broken reputation and be pleasing my Heavenly Father, than having a clean reputation and be pleasing different people’s standard of me. I would want my reputation to come from Jesus Christ, who is living inside of me, flowing from the inside out.